Breathing
by LostInTheLibrary
Summary: He Can't help thinking as he watches her sleep and it's shattering his heart. Set in New Moon the night before Edward leaves.


Song: Breathing by Yellowcard

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**Breathing**

Her big brown eyes gazed at me. She was nearly asleep but she kept her eyes stubbornly on me. Her eye lids fluttered and I could see all her trust and love. It was plainly written in the discs of chocolate brown. And it was killing me. The weariness won and her eyelashes generally rested on her cheeks.

A curl of brown hair slips from its position and landed across her eyes. As softly as a moths wing I lifted it up and out of the way, back into its normal place. I wish everything else could return as easily.

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close  
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold

I watched Bella breath, an unnecessary habit to me but a lifeline for her. We were so different, opposites almost. Although I'd known this all along today it seemed to hit me harder. Her chest rose and fell in an even pace. She looked so fragile in the half moonlight that was drifting in through the gap in the blinds. It made her look like she was made of rose petals and one heavy gust of wind would cause her to crumple into dust.

And even though you're next to me I still feel so alone  
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own

She had made me forget with her warm loving smile and her big brown expressive eyes. She's made me think we were equal and I'd been too happy to see what would come. She changed me into a foolish, reckless, love struck teenager. She moved slightly and I felt her breath on my arm. Warm and reassuring like every other night that had lead to this one.

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake

All the things I used to be had flown out the window. I would have seen what was inevitable. I would have realised we could not be together. That something like this would have happened. I'd forgot what I was. And now I'd been woken up to reality.

Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

Jasper's attack had knocked off the rose tinted glasses and smashed them into a million pieces.

So here I was the last night I would spend watching over her, listening to the coming and going of her breath and the steady beat of her heart. Waiting to hear the magic words she would mutter as her lips twitch up into a smile. It was agony to think I would never watch over her dreams again. The only comfort was that she would be better, safer, happier without me. There was no other way I could leave except for her. She didn't know that this was the last time. But it has to be, the longer I stay the more danger she's in.

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips  
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss

She made a funny little whispered noise and turned in her sleep so her check was touching my shoulder. She stirred slightly and breathed " Edward" in almost a sigh. The sound tore right through me, cutting me to pieces. How can I leave her? How am I meant to tell her? I'll have to lie, she wont let me go any other way. I hope she see though me like she has on so many other occasions. It's like she can see right to my very soul. I shouldn't think like that. I can't, it's my selfish side that wants that, that wants her here with me. She has to believe me for her own good. I never thought I'd hurt her emotionally, physically has always had been possible. I hated myself for this but she'd moved on soon enough. She'd be happy again. And that would be enough for me. I may never be happy again but her happiness was worth that.

I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now  
Things that I was sure of they have filled me up with doubt

But how can I stay when she's in such danger just by my presence. I'm a monster and just by standing near her I taint her soul. Only Bella could drive me away from her. So I'll rip out my heart and leave it under the floor boards with the other things I plan to hid there. Her's forever without knowing it. Safe from her but still with her.

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

I felt like I was dying all over again or burning in the change to become a vampire, I want to see her every day, get lost in conversation, listen to her dreams. I want to dance with her in the sun and smell her hair in the rain. I want to spoil her at Christmas and watch as she read her favourite book. There are so many things we have yet to do together and I was taking them away from both of us. I nearly smiled at the thought of her face when she's angry with me. I wanted to stay for myself more that anything else but for Bella I wanted so much more. I knew I'd have to run away to save her.

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?  
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run

I knew I couldn't leave her for me. But to save her was all I wanted. So I would walk away, leave my heart, hid away for the rest of my life, keep tags on her. Hopefully she find someone to love and that loves her and she'll get married and have children. Live out her potential to the fullest. I'd always make sure she was safe and then one day when she's old, like it should be, she'll returns to heaven where she belongs I'll follow her into my own darkness. I hated to think of all these things she would do without me and how lonely I'd feel without her. All my life I'd waited for her and now I'd felt whole. But without her that was all gone. I knew I'd never feel the same again.

I know that I hurt you things will never be the same  
The only love I ever knew I threw it all away

I'd run away from the only thing that mattered to me anymore. For her. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do. I never knew the darkness of love before. In book and films its always happy and joyful. But the true feeling was much more complex and darker. I knew I would kill for her if I had to and that nothing would ever stop me from protecting her, not laws or enemies or even friends. I'd often though that love had made me less of a monster but maybe it had just made me a more focused one. The damage was done which ever way I looked at it, I was a monster afterall. I couldn't go back to the way things had been, not now I knew if I stayed I'd be the reason for her death.

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

As long as she was still breathing, I would.

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Please review! I haven't written anything in a while and I wasn't sure if I should really write anything but I've had this idea for so long I finally had to write in down. Tell you what you honestly think. :) I shouldn't really be writing anything because I've got my exams coming up but hey I need some down time too! :P Thank you to everyone that's read this, it means a lot that anyone would read it. I've been have a bit of a stress today and I think I'll a little emotional but to all my reviewers thank you very much you can each have a butterfly cake (I've been looking for cakes to make as I have to make one on Friday for my last ever maths lesson :( anyway) THANK YOU ALL!!

Love lost x


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